What was not
by BigFatWannaBe
Summary: Naruto is older now, and he's made his greatest dream come true. Now, after everything has settled down, he recalls the one constant he had in his life, which he lost.


**What was not**

**by BigFatWannaBe**

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Summary: Naruto is older now, and his greatest dream has come true. He recalls a constant he had his life which he lost forever.

**KakaNaru, character death. **

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I don't remember how old I was – maybe 3 or 4, I don't know … what I remember is his voice and his scent.

He was running with me to the old man's house, and he was talking to me, saying things to me. I don't remember those things … he smelled clean, there was nothing that stood out, he smelled like green things, fresh and cool.

I remember waking up at the old man's place and had to take medicines, then that's it.

I heard his voice again, when he walked into the classroom, our new jounin sensei. I'd pranked him that afternoon - well it did serve him right for coming late that day … he looked at us, and when he spoke "My first impression of you guys is … I hate you", it was that voice … I had to stare.

The years went by and many things happened. We got stronger and stronger with each mission, and sensei always taught by doing, there was so much I learnt from him, and then again, there were things I was hurt with …

When I was traveling with ero-senin, sometimes, during training breaks, I would think of him … wonder what he was doing, if he was ok, whether he was busy with missions … three years is a long time.

I got him a present … the yet un-released book of that ero-senin's. I had to chuckle … I could understand his weakness. I have mine!!

When he told me that he really liked me, I almost died … I screamed at him … I just didn't know how to react … sensei caught onto what I was freaking about … and he said, "no, no not like that.." aaaahhhhh … by the time I got calm enough to hear what he was saying, my chest started to get heavy … he doesn't like me like that??? But I want him to … later … after everything took place, the funeral … Asuma sensei … when I was alone in my room … I realized that even if he wanted to, it was me who put him off.

I was lost when ero-senin died, that perverted old man … he was like a grandfather to me … I loved that old man … I was lost.

I couldn't think … I wasn't myself … I didn't even think of sensei once that whole time …

Many things happened after that … the village was destroyed … sensei was killed.

If I mourned for ero-senin, I couldn't feel anything about sensei, my mind was a blank, my chest felt numb, my tears couldn't fall. I had no tears … there was nothing powerful enough for me to spend on for a man like that … sensei …

I loved him beyond feeling.

He lived the life of a true shinobi … he died fighting to protect a comrade and to protect the information that would save many more.

Later, months later, after baa-chan recovered … we talked … about a lot of things … we both had lost precious people.

I asked her everything about sensei; she told me, my pain was so much that I still couldn't cry … she spoke till sundown. I had to leave, it was time for her medication.

I walked through the village … the birds were chirping as they nested down in the dying rays of the sun … villagers stopped to greet me and waved at me… now.

Ha! How fickle we humans are, how ironical the situation… but, I waved back at them. Kids yelled to out their "good-byes" to one another as they ran home for dinner … a couple kissed in the darkness of an alley, the girl torn between leaving her lover and her fear of getting caught … I had to look at them … I wanted to remember that … I wanted to feel pain …

I reached his apartment complex … it had been rebuilt, and I remember saving most of his belongings I could find in the rubble …

I used the key I had on my key link and opened the door. The room was empty and had the smell of new wood and paint … there were two small bags at the end of the room where I knew his bed would have been.

His photographs, the glass frames shattered … a scrawny 9 year old with masked face and scowling eyes … a carefree masked man posing as sensei with his first genin team … all his books … his precious, precious books … some of them so old, yet kept so clean … his old comforter … an aged pale green with a shuriken pattern … it was something he wouldn't buy, so it could have been a gift, from … dad maybe… dad was his sensei … in the picture … some small odds and ends … saved over from his childhood … an old photograph taken for ninja ID of a silver haired man with a stern expression on his face … I turned the picture around to see if there was a name … there was, faded but legible, childish handwriting "Hatake Sakumo - not to be forgotten" ... sensei … some of sensei's clothes … a few masks … a few weapons … scrolls … sensei … an old ANBU uniform tunic … so small, he would have been younger than me when he wore this … there was some hard to wash old blood stains on it … sensei …

I hugged that old tunic and kissed the blood stains … again and again … he must have been too lazy or busy to wash it off immediately, and so it stained … it was him … there was something of HIM left behind … sensei …

I woke up and the room was dark. It must have been late at night, I'd fallen asleep among his things with the tunic in my arms … I pulled out the clothes and pressed them deep into my nose to catch anything of his scent … that clean, cool, forest smell … that scent unique only to him …

Years have passed … I've made my dream a reality … lots of hard work, lots of pain and loss … but I am the strongest ninja in my village now … I've changed a lot of things here … and I'm proud to say that a lot of my outlook is due to the most precious people I've lost …

He glares at me now from my desk at home … the little boy with the silver hair and scowling black eyes … I'll never know what's behind that mask now, will I sensei?? Hmmmm … you've escaped yet!

Not a single day passes sensei, when I don't think of you … what could have been between us is now lost but … sensei, I read some of your scrolls I found … there was a lot about you that I misunderstood, sensei … and you know what? That was when I cried, sensei … for the first time in years after it had happened … I cried … I mourned for you … for the man who you were … I mourned that I could not give you credit, when you were alive …

I'm past a lot of things now, sensei … but not you … yes, I am Hokage now, but I've lost something that can never be replaced in this life … but, I am waiting for the next.

Sensei ...


End file.
